my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
