Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
