does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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