My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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