Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize