Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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