It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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