i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
