How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
