Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize