I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
