tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
