I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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