Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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