I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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