I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
