We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
