just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
