dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
All the doctor said was why
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
