i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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