I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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