Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
