I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
