Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize