Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
