My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
