i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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