Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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