Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I AM VODKA MAN
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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