dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
