dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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