umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
