Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
