the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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