I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
