but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
