im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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