i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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