I hate all girls vehemently.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
In other news, I just burned my penis
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
