got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
They left me at home... I'm a liability
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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