U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
