I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
