i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
