3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
