Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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