I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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