Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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