In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
