Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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