she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
