Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
