Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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