i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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