theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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