dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you had me at cake vodka
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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