Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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