my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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