I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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