I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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