That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
