I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Panties = found
Randomize